WHAT NOT TO SAY IN THE UNITED STATES
That doesn’t mean that you can ask and talk about anything you want to without boundaries. Not that you can never talk about any of the things on this list, but it’s probably wise if you avoid these topics until you stay here for some time and develop a sense of with whom and when it’s acceptable to talk about these issues.
1. Politics
It’s not very difficult to find a guy who will be delighted to have a 3-hour coffee session talking about how the Trump administration is destroying the nation or the lady who will never close her mouth on how Obama was the greatest national embarrassment. Good for them that they care for their own country. You should probably leave it at that too.
As politically divided as the United States is today, arguing or disagreeing with someone’s political views can easily turn your best friend into your worst nightmare. You could be in a heavily Democratic state talking with a friend who is a registered Democrat and a lot of people could be nodding their heads as they listen into your conversation, but don’t be alarmed if there are a few Republicans in the room who could be very upset having heard what you two have been talking about – or vice versa.
If you really want to know about how people feel on political issues, go look at the replies that people write on CNN and Fox News’s Twitter accounts that discuss a lot on politics. You’ll hear opinions from people from the both extremes of the political spectrum and everyone else in between.
2. Money Matters
The Physical Price
We’ve all heard it. How much do you make? How much do you pay for rent? How much did you pay for this car, bag, jacket, [insert whatever object you feel like here]?
We get it that humans are curious creatures and these questions are perfectly acceptable to ask in some cultures, but we tend to avoid these conversations in the U.S. because they are too personal and sensitive.
If you want to know about prices in general for your information like how much renting an apartment costs in a given location, ask for the general information and not how much the specific person pays. Then, some people will be willing to share how much they pay for rent or how much they bought their house for, but that’s totally up to them and should never be something you ask the answer for.
By the way, you should definitely read our article on how to find a home in a safe location in the U.S. before signing your lease.
Price in Perspective
You think something is cheap? Your friends may not. If you bought yourself a flashy designer brand watch for $8,000 and thought it was a great deal because the same watch would cost you double the price in your home country, good for you. Wear it and enjoy it. Even if you thought that you made a great purchase and refrain from mentioning its price tag, the friend you’re talking to may be struggling to pay the bills. It’s probably better for you and your friend if you say nothing about the price at all – both the sticker price and in perspective.
What if you think something is ridiculously expensive? By talking endlessly about how you can’t afford something, all you’re really doing is complaining, and nobody really enjoys listening to people’s complaints. If the matters are as serious as needing desperate help to make ends meet, seek financial help from the appropriate people. Your friends or the Joe you met a few days ago are probably not one of them.
The only exception we can find to this rule is that when you’re looking for the same item as your friend is – say a textbook for class – then it’s perfectly acceptable to mention that you found a great deal at a such and such store. The general rule of thumb on money matters though is that it’s probably smart to say nothing at all.
3. Race/Ethnicity
With people joining us from different backgrounds, asking questions or making judgments based on race or skin color is usually a no-no. Many people are very open to speak about their identity, where they came from, discuss the beauties and challenges of being a particular race, but a lot of people would rather say nothing about it and just be seen for who they are beneath their physical appearances.
Accept people for who they say they are with no buts and ifs. Say that you start a conversation with a girl you met on a bus and you think she looks Southeast Asian. If she tells you she is from Hartford, CT, then she is from Hartford, CT. It’s not really any of your business where her parents, grandparents, or ancestors may have come from. Same thing if who you thought was African-American identifies himself as part Scandinavian and part German, that’s who he is, and the list could continue forever. Unless the person you are talking to is a Native-American, we all root back to somewhere that’s outside the United States.
Also, it’s always wiser to ask “are you local?” or “are you from [insert the city that you are currently in here]?” than to ask “where are you from?” so that your new friends can share as much (or as little) information they feel comfortable sharing with you.
4. Age
While in some cultures it may be perfectly acceptable to abruptly ask for someone’s age, it’s not really so here in the U.S., and some people frown upon the question. Just as pretty much everything else on this list, if they want to share the information with you, they will do so on their own. It’s simply inconsiderate and ill-mannered to ask someone else for their age, so lose it with the “how old are you,” “in what year did you graduate from college,” and every other question that may pressure people into disclosing information that could suggest their age.
5. Physical Appearance
What you may think is a compliment could be taken as an insult by someone else. Facial features, body size, anything the person can’t control is better off unmentioned no matter how lovely and beautiful you think it is.
If you want to compliment someone for his or her appearance, comment on things they chose themselves like their accessories, clothes, or hairstyles.
6. “Disabilities”
We wrote it as “disabilities” in quotation marks only so that it is easy for our English learners to understand what we are talking about. In general, we try to avoid the word as a whole and replace it with challenges or conditions if we absolutely must talk about it. The times you are curious to find out what conditions a person have are definitely not that times you need to talk about it.
Unless you’re someone’s counselor, doctor, or special education teacher, there’s not really a reason to discuss whatever challenges someone else faces either with that person or someone else.
If you find a lady on a wheelchair at a grocery aisle that is obviously struggling to reach an item that’s placed high, it’s nice gesture to reach for the item and hand it to her, but do it in the same manner you would to anyone else that’s shorter than you struggling to reach for an item that you could. Regardless of your intentions, it’s not your place to say “it must be difficult for you with blah blah blah” or offer additional help without being asked.
7. Gender Roles
Whatever assumptions you make on how men or women are supposed to act in your home country, leave them in your home country. Being one of the countries that lead gender equity, we guarantee that you’ll become the weirdest person on the block by mentioning how men or women are supposed to blah blah blah or trying to persuade your rhetoric that promotes gender inequity. We will say the same about sexual orientation. If you’re not writing a college thesis on human rights, you’d probably be better off not mentioning these things at all.
8. Comments Disrespecting the U.S.
When you invite guests to your home and they talk about how ugly your home is, your having poor interior design skills, and point out all the problems they could imagine, you’d probably want to kick them out. It’s one thing for the homeowners to complain about their own houses, and it’s another for their guests to do so.
The same applies to “home country.” While neither ICE nor CBP will be knocking on your door for only pointing out the ugly parts of the United States, no American would want to hear how ugly or inconvenient their home country is. Try to focus on what’s beautiful and wonderful about the U.S. and mention those things instead.
9. Visa/Immigration
As we speak about DHS (US Department of Homeland Security), we’ll add on one more topic that some people in the United States could feel uncomfortable sharing.
Everyone knows how complex and difficult it could be to obtain a visa status in the United States once they have gone through the process. The procedure is time consuming, some may reach undesirable results, and many will find the entire process frustrating.
According to a report by MPI, an estimated 44.5 million immigrants were in the United States as of 2017 who reside on whatever visa statuses they were granted. Many of them could be in the process of adjusting their status which takes plenty of effort and time. As we don’t really need to remind them of how difficult the process is or was, we throw immigration issues into our batch of things that are better left unmentioned.
Moreover, 11 million is the common estimate of the undocumented population in the United States, but a Yale and M.I.T. research conducted in September of 2018 suggested that there are as many as 22.1 million undocumented immigrants residing in the nation. An article by the Hill discusses on this report in details. The issue of undocumented immigrants goes much further than “why don’t they just get a visa?” with every immigrant having a story of their own. If you are a novice to the topic, you may want to do some research before jumping onto assumptions.
Visa status would be an issue some would feel absolutely comfortable talking about, but there are also those who cannot even visit their home countries easily while they wait for their Green Cards. There are the others who are approaching the end of their visa terms and reluctantly need to leave the United States. The topic is usually better avoided as a whole and wouldn’t necessarily constitute an ideal small talk.
American Lifestyle highly advises you to consult an immigration attorney shall you have any issues or questions regarding your personal visa or other immigration related matters.
Opinions on immigration policies become part of politics which throws us back up to #1 on our list today.
To Sum it Up
Our list consists of just the few basics that we came up with. Some Americans will be willing to talk about any of the topics mentioned above on your first meet while others will never want to discuss these things in their lifetime. Stay in the U.S. for a while, and you’ll be able to figure out on your own when, to whom, and how it is acceptable to bring up these topics.
Have we missed anything on the list? Feel free to let us know in the comments.
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